Too Young to Bleed, Too Old to Be Free

Your period is normally seen as a sign you’re finally transitioning into womanhood. You hear stories from your mom, your aunties, older girls. You learn about it in health class, so you think you’re prepared. But at 10 or 11, it’s still just a concept. It doesn’t feel real yet. You’re still a child. Periods are for secondary school girls. You still have time. Right?

Then one fateful morning you wake up and everything feels so weird. You go to the bathroom to pee and when you pull your panties down, you see huge blood stains all over your panties and you freeze. Crazy right?  You freeze — even after hearing so much about it. Your mind can’t process what’s going because again,  IT'S TOO EARLY! 

Why is this happening to me?

No! NO NO! This can’t be happening, why is this happening to me ?

 Body-  why did you betray me so soon?

 Should I tell my mom? No. I can’t tell her because it’s too early.

 Only girls in form two and up get their periods.

This isn’t happening to me, I reject it.

 So you finally move, you wipe up the blood as much as you can, and instead of calling your mom, you take tissues and wrap it around your panties. You try to go about your day like nothing’s changed ; but everything has. You feel wet. Uncomfortable. You’re over stimulated and your mind is screaming.

Your mom takes one look at you and you finally break down and tell her. She starts to scream like it's some joyous moment, and brings you to the bathroom to take care of you. She keeps looking at you with a smile while she shows you how to put on a pad and everything else. 

One part of your brain is processing what she is saying but the other part is wondering ..WHY IS SHE SO DAMN HAPPY? I’m bleeding from my vagina! I now have to wear this wet bulky diaper thingies for the whole week and my stomach hurts! 

Why are you smiling? 

Why are you even happy that I’m growing up when I feel like my world has ended. 

Some people might read this and say that I’m  being dramatic, but it truly felt like my world was over.

 I would now have to go through this experience every month until I start menopause. I would now have to track my cycle and check my panties all the time . Seriously? This is how I’m rewarded for growing up and becoming a teenager?

Blood, blood clots, cramps, headaches, and feeling like I can no longer control my thoughts and emotions anymore? This is my reward? And I’m supposed to be grateful? Grateful for WHAT?

And worse yet, I’m told to beware of boys because I could get pregnant from one mistake.  Pregnant? A baby? A BABY! REALLY? SERIOUSLY? At 10 years old. I just wanted cute stationery and to watch Disney Channel.

But now my mom is tracking my phone because she’s  afraid I’m sending “naughty” messages. Now, everything I  do is watched. I didn’t ask for this. I wasn't ready. They say this is the start of womanhood. But it feels like the start of something else: Surveillance. Restriction. Warnings.

WOW! Looking back at it, what a time to be alive eh. 

But all in all, life goes on and you keep it pushing. Then you start noticing boys or even girls and you slowly start to understand how it feels to be in ovulation. But you remember the warnings everyone gives you about getting pregnant early, which is one of your greatest fears.

You see how the more promiscuous girls get treated around school  and you also see people in relationships. You observe, you learn and make your own deductions as you navigate secondary school. All while you fight the urge to give into your hormones, because society has placed this great value on remaining pure. And at this time as well, you experience the social hierarchies of secondary school and you start to feel everything else. 

Depression, sadness, suicidal thoughts and that negative voice in your head slowly starts to become more present. Caribbean parents don’t talk about their emotions and feelings and if you confided those thoughts to them back then, they probably would tell your whole family.

So you keep it all to yourself, you see others cutting themselves and you think about trying it, you start to resonate with those memes on Facebook and you even start your emo phase. The music you listen to changes and all the things you used to like, changes too. Everything around you is slowly changing, everyone is growing older and moving on to different paths in life. Even you.

But one thing remains constant- your period, and it seems like the older you get, the stronger the cramps get and the worse your will to leave becomes as well. Some mornings you wake up and think why don’t I kill myself today? But you keep pushing as somewhere else in the world, another woman has decided to take hers.

What a time to be alive huh?