The Week Before Your Period When You Want To Die

There’s a version of you that no one ever sees.
Not even the people closest to you.
Because how do you explain to them that every month, for a few days, you genuinely consider not existing?

That in the days before your period, everything you know about yourself unravels.
Your face looks foreign. Bloated. Puffy. Your skin feels stretched over someone else’s bones. You run your fingers over your jaw and wonder how long you’ve looked this... wrong. You try on different outfits and nothing looks good. Like the clothes are clinging to all the places you already hate. You avoid mirrors or worse, you stare into them too long. On the outside to the human eye you look okay but inside you mind is raging mental warfare on you and you’re losing the battle.

You start to feel more emotional than usual, even  feeling the need to cry or get upset over nothing. Because your brain is loud and cruel. And suddenly, all the ugly, evil thoughts you normally know how to repress or ignore, start to play as a slideshow in your mind.

“I can do nothing right.”

“ Life is so hard, why am I such a loser?
“It's exhausting to be around everyone.”
“No one would even notice if I disappeared.”

“What if I finally do it today. ..Would anybody care?”

You take your phone and you begin to scroll through social media or look up Netflix, hoping to distract yourself. But it doesn’t work, nothing is working. The group chat is quiet, and you convince yourself they’re talking about you. Your partner sighs too hard, and you spiral. Your boss sends a one-word reply, and it confirms everything you already believe:

You are a failure.

Stupid.

Incompetent.

This Isn’t Just PMS

Everyone throws that word around — PMS — like it’s a cute excuse for mood swings and chocolate cravings.But what you actually feel? It’s not cute. It’s not a cute video or post for content. It’s PMDD;Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

A severe mood disorder that affects one in 20 women. It causes debilitating psychological symptoms in the week or two before one’s period (the secretory phase), such as overwhelming anxiety or anger. Both Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS) and Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) have been identified as potential risk factors for various mental health issues, such as suicidal ideation and attempts.Several studies over the past few years have focused potential associations and the results are quite terrifying.Women with PMDD are almost seven times at higher risk of suicide attempt and almost four times as likely to exhibit suicidal ideation. Tragically, some women with PMDD do not survive. Similarly, women with PMS are also at increased risk of suicidal ideation but not for suicide attempt. 

This isn’t  just some emotional weakness as some men or even doctors would say.
This is a medical pattern.
And it’s costing us our lives and mental health.

The Luteal Phase: Your Body’s Betrayal

After ovulation, your body starts flipping switches.
Your estrogen dips and progesterone begins to climb while your serotonin levels fall, leading you to  become chemically imbalanced.

Your body bloats. Your breasts ache. Your skin breaks out like a teenager’s. You wake up exhausted no matter how long you sleep. Your appetite turns feral; either you eat everything or nothing tastes like anything. You're nauseous,restless and tired.

And beneath it all, the dread builds.
The despair that makes you flinch at your own thoughts.

You start fantasizing about disappearing. You think about car crashes, cliff edges, sleeping pills. Not with the full intention of doing it but with exhaustion, because you’re over everything.

And then you see red on the tissue paper after wiping. And suddenly, you're fine.
Not good, but better. You’re doing great;everything is right again.
Like you just survived something no one else knew was happening.

But You Did Survive It

And you’ll survive it again and again. But surviving is not the same as living.
You deserve more than just making it to the next cycle.

Here’s what helps some of us hold on:

📅 Track your cycle. Religiously.

Know when it’s coming. Luteal phase means war. Prepare for it.

✍🏽 Write down the thoughts. Label them.

“This is the PMDD talking.”
“This is not my forever voice.”
“This is not who I am.”

🧠 Seek real help. 

PMDD can be treated. SSRIs. CBT. Nutritional support. Hormonal stabilization. You are allowed to take your suffering seriously.

💬 Tell one person. Just one.

Let someone know you disappear every month. Let them check on you. Let yourself be witnessed in the darkness.

Final Thought

If you've ever felt like you were not meant to be on Earth,
If you’ve ever laid in bed wondering how long you could disappear before someone noticed,
If you’ve ever hated your face, your body, your voice, your reflection — all at once — and blamed yourself for being “too emotional”

Know this:
You are not the only woman who has cried over her own existence the week before her period.

And you’re not weak for surviving it.
You’re strong for still being here.